NEWS | Twitter only happy when Elf is on

December 9, 2012



Twitter is only happy when Elf is on, a study has revealed.

During the daily Channel 4 showing of the film during December the normally uppity, moanfest that is Twitter settles down to being all lovely to one another and quoting lines.

“I’m not sure what it is about Elf.” said Mark Tranton, a 34-year old Twitter user from Manchester.

“Normally I’m bringing up more bile on my Twitter timeline than I would after a 3-day Carlsberg binge.”

“Over the past month I’ve hated people who like royal babies, people who tweet too much about how they hate people who like royal babies, Facebook, people on Facebook, Andy Motherfucking Townsend, X-Factor, people who tweet about how much they like X-Factor, people who tweet too much about how they don’t like X-Factor, footy banter accounts, someone who asked who John Lennon was, Brendan Rodgers’ philosophy, YOLO, that perfume advert where that cunt says “I’m not going to be the person I’m expected to be anymore”, cunts generally,  Robbie Keane’s goal celebration, Tulisa, Tulisa’s shit tits, whimsical songs in Christmas adverts, the incredibly poor standard of Match Of The Day lately, fuckards who enjoy that stupid Coca-Cola lorry, Christmas markets, Atheists  Christians, Apple, people who like Apple, people who tweet along to Question Time, European football experts, public transport, people who post on Facebook again and Mumford and Fucking Sons.”

“I’m essentially a whirlwind of hate. A left-wing, middle-class dervish of endless mocking and spite. But then Elf comes on and I just tweet things like:

“Elf’s on”.



“I essentially become a Facebook user.”

Twitter have announced that all posts will be lacking in any hatred today between 17.20 and 19.20 whilst Elf is on.

At 19.21 the social network, formed in 2006, will resume normality by ripping the absolute fuck out of a quite talented person trying to fulfil their dreams on a singing programme.


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