NEWS | Metrolink announce split

May 10, 2012

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Metrolink’s famous Sale breakdown. This malfunction was later named the 13th best ‘Public Transport Disruption’ in Tram Magazine’s 2001 end of year poll.

Seminal 90s light rail tram system Metrolink have announced they are splitting after 20 years.

The group confirmed that their forthcoming weeks of breakdowns would be their last with their final delays coming during the Stone Roses’ gigs at Heaton Park at the end of June.

“I think we feel that Metrolink has run its course. We’ve been pursing different avenues recently and we’ve just admitted to ourselves that our heart hasn’t been in it for the past few years,” said Director of Operations and rhythm ticket inspector Marsha Sparvagn.

Metrolink were famed for their energetic live delays, erratic and sometimes surprising tram distribution and a refusal to embrace modern technology such as ticket barriers and electronic displays.

Their unique twist on public transport secured them a support slot with legendary London system The Underground in 1997.

Transport magazine Transport Times listed their series of tram breakdowns in 2003 as one of the 50 greatest public transport moments of all time.

However, recently delays have seemed generic and dull compared to earlier efforts. Transport Times described their series of March 2012 breakdowns as “predictable, calculated and mundane”.

“We can’t do it to our fans anymore”, said Sparvagn.

“They know us better than anyone and they tell us that the breakdowns, delays and general malfunctions just haven’t been the same as the early years. We purposefully sent 19 trams in a row to Eccles the other week just for the fuck of it, but we soon realised that it just wasn’t giving us the excitement as it did all those years ago.”

“However, we promise fans that the trips to and from The Stone Roses’ gigs will be a best of set. We will completely destroy your travel plans in ways you’ve never even imagined. You’ll be as fucked up as a soup sandwich.”

Metrolink tickets for the final trips at the end of June are already selling on eBay for up to four times face value as fans clamour to experience the mass transit system for a final time.

Sparvagn has confirmed that she will be joining Manchester transport system Nightbus.

No official statement has been made to the future of the remaining members of the group, but it’s been rumoured that they could form a poorly managed and unreliable rail network in Scotland.

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