SPORT | Manchester City may have bought players in order to help them win the league

May 8, 2012


Manchester United’s new crop of midfielders.

Speculation is growing that Manchester City may have exchanged money for players, leading opposing fans to claim that they have ‘bought’ the title.

The Premier League was set up in 1992 as a collective non-profit cooperative with the sole objective of volunteers coming together to mutually benefit society and culture. Rule 3.2.7 prohibits any exchange of money for players or their services.

Since 1992 Manchester United have opted to grow all of their players in small pots on a windowsill in Stretford in a similar method to that used to grow cress.

Sir Alex Ferguson has insisted on only using local, organic soil after attributing Ryan Giggs’ curly chest hair to a particularly good batch of earth.

Since the inception of the Premier League Arsenal has exclusively used the website Gumtree to advertise for all of their players

Gunners midfielder Tomáš Rosický famously signed for the London club after he accidentally happened upon their ‘players wanted’ advert whilst searching the classified site for a replacement rear-wiper blade for his 1998 Hyundai Sonata.

Chelsea assembled much of their 2005/6 Premiership-winning squad from the unsuccessful applicants to Channel 4’s desert island reality television programme Shipwrecked.

And Liverpool’s current squad is entirely made up of discarded public sector managers who are compensated with buttons, small lengths of twine and delicately carved ornate fruit and vegetables, similar to those found in Thai restaurants.

Ian Simms is president of the Manchester United supporters association and spoke to News Manc regarding City’s reported use of financial methods to obtain players.

“It goes against everything the league stands for.”

“When the Premier League was set up everyone agreed that this wasn’t about money, it was about carefully nurturing players in small pots of nutrient-rich soil. Like our ancestors did.”

If City are found guilty their Chief Executive Mark Trimble could be forced to spend the next 12 months on internet forums and social media sites tediously debating what actually constitutes ‘buying a title’.

“To be fair, that does sound a bit harsh”, admitted Simms.


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