SPECIAL FEATURE: Extracts from ‘Fucking Like a Rock Star’ by William Roache

March 15, 2012


Coronation Street bosses are bracing themselves for more revelations as long-serving cast member William Roache prepares to release his long-awaited diary-format autobiography Fucking Like a Rock Star.

In his compelling compendium of carnal tales  –  serialised exclusively in News Manc today  –  the man best known to millions as Ken Barlow shares the intimate details of over five decades of throwing particles around the large hadron collider.

Roache with girl #423: "She had breasts like a Victorian midwife."

23rd September 1963
#39   ❶❷❸❹❺
Face like a box of frogs but after three snowballs she went off like a barn door in a storm. Poor oral hygiene though. Mouthwash.

18th October 1969

#128  ❶❷❸❹
Lovely lass from Wigan. Prawn cocktail and a gammon steak at the Berni Inn followed by half a bottle of Mateus Rose back at Roache Towers. As loose as a taxi driver’s clutch. Flexible.

21st December 1974

#212  ❶❷❸❹❺
Christmas party. Got her knicker hamster out after far too much to drink. Not the classiest. Didn’t seem keen at first but told her I’m hung like an Australian parliament. Messy.

18th July 1978
Name Unknown

#298  ❶❷❸❹❺
Quick feeding of the horse around the back of Shelia’s Wine Bar. It was like Charles Darwin’s beard down there. Textured.

20th September 1988

#387  ❶❷❸❹❺
Picked her up in the Quattro and straight back to Roache Villas to introduce her to the custard cannon. Four hours of mexican goldrushing. Achy.

20th April 1994

#612  ❶❷❸❹❺
Asked me to dress up as Ken and insisted I put my pubic hair in a side-parting. The request to do a Weatherfield local history role play was a step to far. Possibly mentally ill. She performed like an unpaid Tesco worker. Regrettable.

16th June 1998
Jane & Crystal

#785 & 786  ❶❷❸❹❺
First experience of a rock, paper, scissors session. One of them (can’t remember which) had breasts like deployed airbags. Introduced to a new position called the Sudanese Shake ‘n’ Bake. Exhausting.

23th November 2006

#832  ❶❷❸❹
One of Les Battersby’s cast-offs but I’m not fussy. He’s got a cock like a bookie’s pencil anyway. All night session. She went down on me more often that my BT wireless router. Unquenchable.

5th May 2009

#940  ❶❷❸❹❺
Treated her to three trips to the Harvester salad cart. That is a metaphor. Croutons.

Fucking Like a Rock Star by William Roache is out now through Penguin Books and is currently available at Amazon.com for the special price of £7.99.


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