NEWS | Metrolink announce new fleet of ‘dubstep enabled’ trams

February 17, 2012



DJ Skrillex will take up residency on the Eccles line where he will drop beats like a careless butcher drops meats.

Transport for General Manchester (TfGM) have invested £88m in a new fleet of 60 dubstep ready trams.

TfGM’s Director of Operations Marsha Sparvagn told News Manc that Metrolink have been through a significant public consultation process to ascertain exactly what the priorities should be for new trams.

“The usual shite about promptness, value for money, cleanliness and reliability was obviously raised”, said Sparvagn.

“But above all else our passengers told us that they want to be subjected to a constant barrage of dirty beats, crushing wobbly bass lines and driving yet grimey rhythms.”

“At the present time passengers are only exposed to dubstep on 63% of journeys as we are reliant on the presence of teenagers who have smartphones with tinny speakers. But with the new fleet of E476s we’ll be able to provide massive and constant bass drops for the entire journey.”

Each of the E476 trams referred to by Sparvagn will be equipped with Bose 500 watt ML8 bass bins, SB28 high power subwoofers, multiple air horns and two massive fuck-off bass canons.

Four seats will be removed from the back of each tram to make way for a DJ booth.

“We plan to have live DJs at peak times and pre-recorded filthy mash-ups and mixes dropping at all other times”, confirmed Sparvagn.

‘Whump wump wump whhhhuummmmmppppp”, she added.

Accountant Mark Henry commutes to and from work on the Altrincham line every day and cautiously welcomes the initiative.

“I would say that for at least two-thirds of my journeys I find myself sitting next to a hooded youth who is blasting noises akin to heavy machinery having a gang bang from their mobile phone speaker.”

“I guess if I’m going to be subjected to it then it may as well be of decent sound quality”, sighed Henry.

You can expect fucking huge and rude breaks on your Metrolink line from May 2013.


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4 Comments on “NEWS | Metrolink announce new fleet of ‘dubstep enabled’ trams”

  1. Bob Says:



  2. Peter Says:

    I do hope they will be putting a donk on it


  3. Siftah Says:

    I really don’t think they’re going far enough with these measures. Surely 2 for 1 drinks offers and a strictly enforced “no trainers” policy should be considered?


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