SPORT | Man Utd fans to stick around for Seagal, tits and virtual roulette

February 16, 2012

HOME, SPORT

Seagal

FUCKING YES!!

Millions of Manchester United fans are looking forward to a night in front of Channel 5.

After an early knockout from the Champions League group stage, the Salford Debt Restructuring Corporation find themselves in the unusual situation of being in the Europa League.

Soft porn-peddling, neighbours-repeating, Seagal-promoting, Big Brother-resurrecting broadcaster Channel 5 have been showing Europa League games since 2007.

Tonight sees the Red Devils travel to Israel to face reigning Sunday League Amateur Cup holders Maccabi Beit She’an Nissim in what could potentially be a tricky fixture.

Manchester United fan Johnny Weeks from Swinton can’t remember ever tuning in to Channel 5 before but is impressed with the evening’s schedule.

“It looks ace”, he wrote on Manchester United forum RedCafe.

“I’ll obviously watch the game. But after that it’s Under Siege 2: Dark Territory. Under Fucking Siege 2. I love that film.”

“I have limited understanding of the later programmes on Channel 5, but I’m led to believe it’s a mixture of scantily clad women you can talk to for £1 a minute whilst you burp your Kojak and virtual casinos which are fronted by similarly scantily clad women. It sounds fucking awesome.”

Channel 5’s Head of Broadcast Sport Rhonda Pearlman is expecting record viewing figures for tonight’s game.

“Our previous record is 8,372 for a game between Fulham and Macedonian side KF Shkupi Skopje. We hope to at least treble that this evening. And obviously we hope that fans will stick around in the vague hope that they will glimpse some minge in the Shannon Tweed film we’ve got on later.”

Channel 5 have already apologised to viewers in advance for Stan Collymore.

Manchester City supporters can tune in to ITV7+3 for their clash against reigning Latvian Ladies champions Bauskas Rajona BJSS.

Manager Roberto Mancini is expected to play Carlos Tevez just to fucking spite him and give a debut to under-9s prospect Joshua Walker.

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