NEWS | Jamie Oliver threat level raised to ‘severe’

February 11, 2012



GMP have drafted in over 200 additional officers from neighbouring forces in an attempt to beef up security.

Greater Manchester Police (GMP) have today raised the Jamie Oliver threat level from ‘high’ to ‘severe’ after confirming that they have received ‘credible intelligence reports’ which suggest an imminent restaurant opening in Manchester and therefore potential appearance of the feared mockney twat.

Previous intelligence reports from multiple government agencies have placed Oliver, 36, as hiding out in trendy West London areas or in small Italian peasant villages where he’s rumoured to spend his time showing the locals how to make ravioli.

But the reported Manchester eatery opening could mean that the self-styled Pukkalicious Kingola of Organicy Scrandida may already be in the area.

News Manc has seen a memo from Detective Chief Superintendent Nigel Yates, head of GMP’s Counter Jamie Oliver Unit which informs all Greater Manchester police officers that Oliver “will be considering an appearance”.

Security officials at GMP have asked members of the public to remain vigilant yet calm.

A GMP spokesman said: “The Jamie Oliver threat level to Manchester is severe, which means that an appearance by Oliver in the area is almost certain.”

“We have increased security within the city centre and we’re working with any bars, restaurants, supermarkets and other locations known to be favoured by Oliver to ensure that their staff remain vigilant.”

“As a precaution, however, we’ve closed all delis and organic food suppliers in the Manchester area for the next seven days. This is standard procedure following credible information that pertains to an Oliver appearance.”

In 2008 South Yorkshire Police were heavily criticised when Oliver surfaced in Rotherham after seemingly managing to slip under the intelligence radar.

On that occasion Oliver managed to make numerous children cry and called all northern people “fat cunts” before almost immediately disappearing back in to his shadowy West London hospitality network.

Chief of South Yorkshire Police Arthur Sprockett-‘Appen eventually resigned after a costly public enquiry found that the Yorkshire force was guilty of “inadequate precautions to protect the public in relation to a Jamie Oliver incident.”

The Rotherham incident led to a debate in the commons and the eventual passing of the 2009 Prevention of Oliver Act which resulted in all police forces reviewing their anti-Oliver capabilities and plans.

Greater Manchester Police have been quick to quash continuing and persistent rumours that Oliver is set to reform his former musical venture, indie band Scarlet Division, for a one-off gig somewhere in Manchester.

A spokesman said: “We want to make it clear to the public that there is no truth whatsoever in this rumour. If we did receive any credible information about Oliver performing music of any type we would quickly evacuate the city and enact a state of emergency.”

“May God have mercy on all of our souls if that ever did occur”, the spokesman added, as a tear fell lightly down his cheek.


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2 Comments on “NEWS | Jamie Oliver threat level raised to ‘severe’”

  1. Bruce Says:

    Thanks for the warning. Please keep up the good work. Could you plese keep an eye out for that other twat Heston Servicestation as well.


  2. Randall Says:

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