NEWS | Brian Cox costumes ‘running low’ warn adult shops

February 10, 2012



Cox: outselling gimp masks, chainmail harnesses, vibrating love eggs and Ian Brown masks in the run up to Valentine's Day.

Adult shops in and around the Manchester area have warned customers that they are already running low on stocks of Professor Brian Cox fantasy role-play costume kits.

Despite still being four days from Valentine’s Day many sex shop owners are warning people to get in early if they want some of the Cox magic in their life on the 14th of February.

“They are selling like wildfire”, said Maureen Wilter, owner of Ancoats adult shop Population Paste. “For £39.99 you get an NME-style hair wig, a distressed vintage t-shirt and suit jacket, a pair of aviators, a pocket-sized fact book about the solar system and a novelty Astrophysics PhD certificate. I’ve heard on the grapevine that adult shops in the region just can’t stock enough of these things.”

Michelle, 37, from Manchester has purchased one of the kits as a Valentine’s surprise for her husband.

“I’m hoping it will really spice things up”, said Michelle. “I’ve booked us a table at Chiquitos and, after a few cheeky margaritas, we’ll come home and he’ll find the Cox costume laid out on the bed. For a bit of extra pep I’m planning to borrow our 15-year-old daughter’s GCSE Physics text-book and have him read out the chapter on equations of motion for constant acceleration. I’m getting all horny just talking about it to be honest.”

Jay Ingram, a 30-year-old website designer from Salford, has bought one of the kits with a full routine in mind for his girlfriend.

“I’ve got it all sussed for Valentine’s Day. I’ll get home from work early, put on the costume and light a load of candles in the lounge. I then plan to place a satsuma, a handful of pebbles, a pack of Jarlsberg cheese and an Ikea vase we’ve had for years on the dining room table so that when she arrives home I can use them as props to explain how the gravitational pull of Jupiter is causing a million billion billion billion trillion tiny specs of space dust to all flow together as one majestic strip of matter. I might even get a stick and attempt write out that number in our son’s sandpit.”

“She’ll be as moist as a fisherman’s slipper after that performance”, he added.

David* from Stalybridge, is taking things one step further for his girlfriend. “I’ve planned a walk in the Peak District”, he said.

“When we reach the top of a majestic point I will quickly change in to the costume, put my front foot up on a rock and look out thoughtfully across the view. I’ll ask her to imagine that a helicopter is circling over head before explaining that nothing lasts forever; that we are essentially just irrelevant lumps of atoms floating in the cosmic vacuum of space and time. One supernova dies whilst another star is born, and that’s essentially a metaphor for our relationship. I’m then going to propose, but with a diagram depicting the awesome force of an event horizon instead of a ring.”

“My only problem is the voice”, admitted David. “I’ve been practising that alluring Lancastrian drawl but I just end up sounding like Mark Owen.”

Sex shops in the Manchester area were quick to confirm that they still have plenty of novelty Dr Ben Goldacre role-play costumes still in stock for anyone who can’t get hold of a bit of Cox.

*Not his real name


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10 Comments on “NEWS | Brian Cox costumes ‘running low’ warn adult shops”

  1. Martin Grimshaw Says:

    Strange to see Cox becoming an object of sexual desire. He was in the year above me at school in Oldham and nobody fancied him then. Admittedly, he was a goth who wore make-up and dressed like a distressed bat.


    • Anonymous Says:

      Does it mention where I can purchase Johnny Ball costumes? my girlfriend has an Electra complex.


    • O Says:

      I went to the girls’ school next door and can confirm that none of us fancied the lanky streak of piss. Damper than a damp cloth kept in the armpit of a wrestler.


      • NotBrianCox Says:

        Well now he’s rich and world famous. Enjoy your hairdressing BTEC course at Oldham College, LOL.

  2. Geraldine Reid (@iamgenny) Says:

    Why can’t these kits be available all over Britain ? I looked in my local supermarket but no. All you can get is poxy flowers, chocolates and hideous red underwear you wouldn’t be seen dead in.
    As a woman, I think it’s time that blokes made more effort, like getting a Phd in particle physics and learning how to gaze at something dreamily, whilst telling us in a sexy voice that the world will be ending soon so we might as well be up for it.


  3. Mikey Says:

    I like Brian Cox, but he stole his whole act from this guy:


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  1. I hope mine comes in the post « Geek Ergo Sum - February 11, 2012

    […] Brian Cox costumes ‘running low’ warn adult shops […]

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