SPORT | Manchester City’s ‘Etihad Campus’ to be scrapped

February 8, 2012

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Etihad Campus

An artist's impression of the original Etihad Campus. The new complex will still look a bit like this, but imagine swathes of large-chested 22-year olds with orange skin instead of all those pitches.

Manchester City Football Club have sensationally scrapped plans to build an 80-acre youth development centre and first team academy in the Openshaw West area of Manchester. It is understood that the site will instead be developed in to a massive ‘sex zone’ for their players.

Original plans submitted to Manchester City Council in September 2011 outlined proposals for a training centre for 400 young players, 11 full size youth development pitches, a 7,000 capacity stadium for youth matches and a classroom facility for up to 40 youngsters to study. It is believed that none of these will now be built.

“Youth development? What’s the fucking point?” asked Manchester City FC Acting Chief Executive John MacBeath.

“It just takes so long and is an inordinate amount of effort for essentially very little benefit. We just came to the realisation that we couldn’t be bothered and will continue our existing transfer policy of keeping an eye on what players Manchester United and Chelsea are planning to buy and then putting in double their offer at the last minute. That seems to be working perfectly well for us thus far.”

MacBeath refused to go in to details about the new facility planned for the site, but did confirm rumours that it will be some form of sex facility for senior players.

“The plans are still being drawn up, so it’s difficult to provide you with specifics”, said MacBeath. “But we all decided that at the very least we’ll need a well stocked play room with a steady supply of Hollyoaks actresses. And obviously plenty of fresh towels, lube, swings, camera phones, cowboy hats, that type of thing. But the players will get involved in the details; they know what they’re after.”

“We’re delighted”, said Manchester City captain Vincent Kompany. “None of the players really give two fucks about the long-term future of the club. What we are passionate about is the easy opportunity to give a good tugboat slammer to a couple of girls whose name we’ll never even ask in private and luxury surroundings rather than back at their squalid Travelodge room.”

Manchester City is not the first Premiership club to open up an indulgent facility for their first team stars.

In 2011 Chelsea launched their Insania Complex in West London. The £800m development included a darkroom full of Essex girls and a shooting range with fully automatic weapons after a special request from Ashley Cole.

Last week Chelsea were forced to come out and deny rumours that they were set to add a special room to the complex where Club Captain John Terry could racially abuse people in a safe and private environment.

“There’s no truth in these absurd rumours”, read an official club statement. “John will continue to abuse black players in public locations at the time of his choosing.”

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