NEWS | Market Street gauntlet finally completed

February 8, 2012

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Chugger

"Can I have a moment of your time? C'mon, cheer up! Where's that smile?! I'm going to follow you..."

Amazing news is emerging of a man who walked from one end of Manchester’s Market Street to the other without any interactions with street sellers, charity workers, buskers or ‘performers’.

News Manc spent the afternoon investigating and finally identified the man as 39 year-old Gary Hooper, a Systems Accountant for Manchester financial consultancy Badkock & Felch. We tracked him down for an exclusive interview.

“I’m still shaking due to the adrenaline. My office is in Piccadilly Gardens and I needed to pop to the Marks & Spencer at the other end of Market Street on my lunch break.”

Gary estimates that the 500 metre walk from one end of Market Street to the other will normally result in three or four people stopping him with the sole purpose of completely fucking him off.

“Normally it’s that tall white fella first up”, said Gary. “He’ll offer me a fucking lollipop or something. Then the greasy handshake men with their make up kits. This is normally followed by the gang outside Aldi who try to sell you the demo CD of their new grime-influenced rap band. I’m thirty fucking nine and work as a Systems Accountant. Do I look like a man who will buy shit music from a youth whose trousers are falling down?”

It’s the area outside the Arndale which often causes the most problems for Gary.

“Those fucking charity people.They clock eyes on me from 50 metres and start to hone in on my path, no matter how I twist and turn my route. It’s like the scene in Top Gun when Maverick gets missile lock on the enemy MiGs. There’s no way out. Added to all this you’ve got the religious nut that shouts at trams from his step ladder and the socialist worker people telling me I’m a fucking selfish cunt for one reason or another. I just want a sandwich.”

Today, however, was different.

“I decided when I reached the top of Market Street to be Mario and that the street-based enemies were Goombas, Koopa Troopas and Piranha Plants. I set off with a clear purpose in mind, dodging, ducking and jumping as required. When a charity worker approached me I thought to myself, “what would Mario do?” before knocking them over and quickly stamping on their head. It seemed to work. The shops went by in a blur and before I really knew what was happening I found myself at Marks and Spencer having made it all the way. Then I started telling people what had just happened. One guy just hugged me. No words were spoken, but he knew. I knew. We all knew.”

However, Gary did add that he was stopped on his return journey by that bloke who pretends he’s a bird with a hidden whistle in his mouth.

“I just broke down and cried at that point”, he admitted. “It’s been an emotional day.”

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6 Comments on “NEWS | Market Street gauntlet finally completed”

  1. Anonymous Says:

    i ahte those chugger bastards

    Reply

  2. east didsbury savage Says:

    aaaah i have an assignment to write, news manc, stop being so bloody distractingly funny!

    Reply

  3. Jiggling jellyfish Says:

    Way to go Gary, wish i could have seen you stomp on that guys head…. Did you get extra points for that??

    Reply

  4. Bruce Says:

    Street mime, why, for the love of god why????

    Reply

  5. Nick Sheridan Says:

    Just because I have long hair does insntantly mean I care about your charity!

    Reply

  6. Bob Says:

    $author This post is priceless. Whencan I find out more?|Is there a second post on this|Is there more to come}

    Reply

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