NEWS | Panic engulfs trendy South Manchester suburbs

February 5, 2012



Snow: the enemy of pastimes.

Trendy middle class people who live in the ‘vibrant’ and ‘cosmopolitan’ areas of South Manchester are today starting to get concerned about how the snow will affect their middle class, mid-week activities. Manchester saw between 5cm and 10cm of snow fall over the weekend and continued freezing temperatures will mean that the crystalline water ice version of precipitation is likely to remain for a number of days.

“I’m meant to have a Bikram Yoga class at 11am on Monday”, said West Didsbury mother-of-two Francesca Bartholomew. “But there’s a strong possibility that the schools will be closed, so I will probably have to look after my children Xavier, 4,  and Amelia, 6, instead. It’s devastating.”

“Could you please make sure you put West Didsbury?”, added Francesca. “I don’t want people thinking I live in East Didsbury. I’m not a savage.”

Chorlton-cum-Hardy business owner Hugo Grilf is equally concerned. Grilf runs Ven Space, a Venezuelan-themed vegan cafe and chess club on Barlow Moor Road.

“We have a cookery class arranged for Tuesday morning”, Grilf explained. “Acclaimed lesbian author and Venezuelan food enthusiast Maria Lappergap was due to come in and teach local residents how to make a vegan version of Bien Me Sabe, a type of Venezuelan coconut layer cake. This is now in doubt, it’s such a shame.”

“Some of my girlfriends bought me a voucher for a meditation and reiki healing session which I’d booked for Monday evening”, said Sale resident Felicity Russell who owns Sass!, a digital business to business boutique PR consultancy for the fashion industry. “I’ve tried tweeting the owner to see if they are open but I’ve not heard anything back. I have no idea what I’ll do.”

News Manc reporter and Altrincham resident Melanie Garlogie has seen the panic unfold firsthand and warned that things could escalate.

“I’ve not seen anything like it since the big snow of 1998”, she said. “You name an activity and you’ll find that it’s being cancelled in South Manchester. Poetry readings, 1950s Argentinian film screenings, owl knitting clubs, gentle boxercise for new Mums, Advocaat-based cocktail evenings, gyrotonic exercise classes, organic pork-pie making sessions, ironic rollerskating, Orangina appreciation societies, unicycle repair classes, feminist literature book clubs, calligraphy marathons, stretch and play toddler groups. I could go on and on, but it’s safe to say that they’re all in doubt at this stage.”

“South Manchester is essentially at crisis point”, said Garlogie. “The next few days will be critical.”

Reports of looting at a Fairtrade artisan bakery in Hale Barns could not be confirmed as News Manc went to press.


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51 Comments on “NEWS | Panic engulfs trendy South Manchester suburbs”

  1. Anonymous Says:

    funny as fook


  2. Anonymous Says:

    always with the owl knitting…


  3. Cathy Says:

    relax citzens of sale..its the more pretentious
    areas of south manchester…….


  4. Anonymous Says:

    As a South Manchester resident, I must say I’m appalled that the weekly “ironic rollerskating” has been cancelled due to the vicious 1/2 inch snow flurries we have experienced. They tried to alter it to “poncy iceskating” instead, but there just wasn’t enough interest. Now I have nothing to do. 😦


  5. Camilla Says:

    Because of the difficulties in this weather of pushing my orange B and Q wheelbarrow to The Unicorn Grocery to collect my lentils, and logs for my log burning stove…..would I be ok to go in my Range Rover Vouge instead?


  6. Face Says:

    What a load of shit.


  7. Chrissy Brand Says:

    Hilariously accurate, I must get a photo for my blog, 😉


  8. Mike Says:

    Oh my god! You’ll have to
    Look after your children! Whatever shall we do! Get a grip woman!


  9. Adam Says:

    Brilliant – please remember to include some of the subaltern experiences of us that live here close by in Whalley Range (oops I mean Chorlton Borders).


  10. Middle Englander Says:

    Its crept as far as Cheadle Hulme too. Waitrose didn’t get their delivery of Nicaraguan organic alfalfa sprouts this week.
    I don’t know what to do now to feed our Tarquin and Cressida!


  11. east didsbury savage Says:

    being of east-didsbury decent, (or as i like to call it, didsbury village) i can safely say this is spot on. hilarious stuff.


  12. bookgirl Says:

    Not sure where “feminist literature book group” fits in that list, but otherwise very funny.


  13. Anonymous Says:

    LOL! Genius.


  14. Anonymous Says:

    The lot of them.
    Its just a bit of snow not the end of the wold


  15. Anonymous Says:

    I really enjoy people commenting on these things as if they are real.


  16. Anonymous Says:

    On the up side it means you can all don your Barbour jackets & hunter wellies without looking like twats for once!


  17. Angela Says:

    Anyone got an update on the hummus and quinoa situation – will South Manchester still receive deliveries? #panic #whatwillwefeedthechildren


  18. Jennifer Taylor-Clark Says:

    I cant get off my drive as my large car is a rear wheel drive. Not sure how i will get the kids to school. Its an entire half mile trek. To add to the insult, the wheelie bins havent been taken in and it looks like the 3rd world on Burton Road. Im going to move to Hale.


  19. Anonymous Says:

    This forecast is from 3 years ago, do we have an update on how everyone managed?


  20. Anonymous Says:



  21. Carole Bennett Says:

    had a chuckle to myself…savages in East Dodsbury… more like insipid bores in West Didsbury…who are these awful people where a bit of snow can cause such personal inconvenience…


  22. Anonymous Says:

    West didsbury my arse go n look after ur kids u stuck up cow mooooooo


  23. Brian O'vercompenssayt Says:

    This is a hellish nightmare. Can I assume that almost ALL of the organic beard wax has run out?

    How the heck am I supposed to carbon-offset my neck tattoos now?

    Won’t somebody think of the children?!? (Other than the manny of course whatwouldwedowithouthimtotalgodsend)


  24. I've got money Says:

    It’s all OK you Dont need to worry about us! I I’ve dispatched the Maid to Booths to but upbthe supply ofAmethyst Bamboo 9x Korean Sea Salt it works a treat ! We will survive I’m sure. I Dont have to go out my guru will be coming tomorrow and the little woman that I pay to fluff a cloth around will be here on Tuesday . thank you for your concern Hale Barn’s


  25. Jennifer Says:

    I’m worried if the wine will run out


  26. Anonymous Says:

    This is fucking hysterical. And even more hilarious the fickle local people commenting as if it’s a genuine crisis. How embarrassing. These pretentious morons actually read a piss taking article and make themselves part of a crisis that doesn’t even exist. Brilliant. Not the brightest some of these rich housewives that have never worked a day in they’re entire lives ha ha


  27. Tyberius Venerus Sarladaise iii Says:

    Hilarious. And by hilarious I mean not even remotely funny. I love a good joke but this is just a poor attempt at a not very well written article.

    Oh look I can make up posh sounding names too.



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