ENTERTAINMENT | BBC want nothing but your snow pictures

February 4, 2012

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A poorly mocked up MS Paint version of the BBC News website with a caption that clearly breaks the fourth wall.

As snow begins to fall in Manchester the BBC have announced that they will be suspending all regular broadcasting activity in order to focus on obtaining as many of your snow photographs as possible.

“This all started in 2004 when I was appointed”, said BBC Director General Mark Thompson. “I realised that at least a third of every news-related item, regardless of whether it was on television, radio or digital platforms, could be padded out with pointless and benign photographs sent in by the proletariat. It’s a cheap, easy way of providing content.”

“And nothing captures the imagination of the lower social classes as much as people’s pictures of snow. Snowmen, snow on cars, snow on pavements, snowball fights, snowy roofs. Anything really. They go especially fucking mental for pictures of stuff stuck in the snow”, Thompson added. “You know, buses and stuff. Fucking mental. So we decided that when we got our first snow of 2012 we’d focus on nothing but your snow photographs.”

Internet users who visit any of the BBC’s websites today will see simple “SEND US YOUR FUCKING SNOW PHOTOGRAPHS” messages in place of any usual content.

Regular programming on the network’s television channels have been replaced with a static photograph of BBC Breakfast’s resident fuckwit and emasculated disgrace of a ‘man’ Bill Turnbull holding up a sign pleading and begging for your snow pictures. It is understood that from 4pm this afternoon there will be a 24-hour Turnbullathon where Bill will aim to show over 200,000 of your snow photographs whilst providing comments such as “ooh, look at this cat with snow on his nose, isn’t that cute?”. The programme will be co-hosted by Susanna Reid who will continually look at Bill with a mix of contempt, pity and emptiness.

The BBC has promised that if they receive over 5 million snow pictures from the public over the next 12 hours they will screen a special live TV programme later in the year with Chris Moyles and Michael McIntyre attempting to fight off grizzly bears with just their bare hands.

Regular readers will remember that as part of its new complex at MediaCityUK the BBC controversially built a special underground bunker the size of six football pitches to hold one of the largest and most secure servers in the world purely dedicated to hosting photographs of snow. Many people questioned the investment at the time but Thompson now feels that the decision has been vindicated. “That decision has clearly been fucking vindicated”, he said this morning. “Look at the fucking snow.”

Reports coming in to News Manc from members of the public in and around BBC offices at MediaCityUk in Salford, West Manchester, suggest that all BBC employees at the site have now donned Bill Turnbull masks and are currently engaged in some form of mass outdoor snow ritual involving chanting, dancing and human sacrifice.

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One Comment on “ENTERTAINMENT | BBC want nothing but your snow pictures”

  1. E.Gaskell Says:

    Mark Thompson phoned personally to tell me that BBC 1, 2,* 4, Parliament, News 24 and CBeebies will be overtaken by disturbing scenes of a reporter standing in front of a grit lorry to tell the nation that it is, on fact, snowing. At least they don’t have to bother to look out of their window to discover this for themselves.

    Snow (or frozen rain) is highly unusual in the winter months and practically unheard of in the British Climate. It is for this reason that it demands such widespread and in-depth reporting. I believe that the London Newsrooms have enquired as to what happens in North at these times of national catastrophe when the Piccadilly Line is unable to operate.

    * BBC 3 is continuing to show the unwatchable teen sitcom Grange Hull, Two Pints of Lager on eternal loop and the documentary Teens, Troglodytes and Totally Awesome Crazy Shit in which Brian, fashion conscious 15 year old asexual father of twins starts his new life in a cave with Simon, a shaman with three anuses and a constant supply of mushrooms.

    Reply

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