NEWS | Woman attacked with stapler after mentioning snow

February 2, 2012



It's really cold, isn't it?

An office worker from Manchester is tonight recovering in hospital after a cold-blooded attack with a stapler. Police have not formally identified the woman but local sources have named her as Felicity Brewer, 54, an administrator for Manchester law-firm Clotmops Slatrattler & Sleeve.

A 42-year-old female, believed to be Brewer’s colleague Rosemary Stilter, has been arrested over the incident and is currently being questioned by Greater Manchester Police. It is understood that the alleged attack occurred after Brewer made a comment about the current cold weather and the possibility of snow over the weekend.

Jane*, who shares an office with the two women involved, spoke to News Manc about the incident.

“We were all just having a chat about the weather. “Oooh, isn’t it cold?”, “I had ice on my car this morning”, “I’ve been putting my heating on in the morning which I don’t normally do”, ” that type of thing. Felicity simply said “I’ve heard that there could be snow in Manchester over the weekend”, and at that point Rosemary leapt over the desk like a rabid dog and started stapling her fucking face. I’ve never seen anything quite like it.”

Jane is at a loss as to what could have provoked Stilter, but does wonder whether numerous mentions of the weather over the past few days could have led to the incident.

“It’s baffling really. Although at the point Rosemary attacked we had been saying the same three or four things about the cold weather for over two hours. And we’ve been saying them pretty much constantly all week now I think about it. Maybe that’s it?”

“It has been really cold though hasn’t it? My car was very icy this morning. And I’ve heard that there could be snow in Manchester this weekend. Have you heard that? Although it might be too cold to snow. They say that don’t they?  That if it’s too cold it may not snow. And it has been really cold. On the weather last night they said that it’s because of a cold front in continental Europe or something. Anyway, all I know is that I’ve had my heating on a lot more than usual for this time of year as it’s been so cold. I’ve even taken to wearing additional layers. Ooh, isn’t it cold? It really is cold.”

A hospital spokesman said that they had removed 17 staples from a woman’s face and were confident that she’ll make a full recovery. They also confirmed that she’ll think twice before talking about the weather in the office again.

*not her real name.


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4 Comments on “NEWS | Woman attacked with stapler after mentioning snow”

  1. Sean Whittaker Says:

    The hospital spokesman also added…”oooohh isn’t it cold!” Before placing an upturned palm in front of waiting reporters. He was heard to murmur under his breath…. “snow could be on it’s way”


  2. Anonymous Says:

    This could so easily have been my office.


  3. @Mulldog Says:

    You know say Mummy Snow me, I’m gonna blame
    A staple face-face down
    ‘Tective man says Mummy Snow stapled someone down the lane
    A staple face-face down


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