ENTERTAINMENT | Britain’s Got Talent cancelled after Cowell ‘discovers’ Manchester street mime

January 25, 2012

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Mime

Aren't you supposed to be standing still?

ITV’s dumbed down prole-fest Britain’s Got Talent was sensationally cancelled this evening after just one day of auditions.

Over 600 unemployed Salford residents descended on the Lowry Hotel earlier this week to welcome human clam-hammer Simon Cowell, So Solid Crew-botherer Alesha Dixon, cavity wall insulation substitute Amanda Holden and David Fucking Walliams, who were all in town to mock mentally ill people for the pursuit of cheap televsion.

But in an unprecedented move the auditions were cancelled at 11.40am after the panel had seen just 17 people. Cowell, who famously killed his own mother in 2006 for tax purposes, exclusively told News Manc that his breath was literally taken away from him by sensational Manchester Market Street mime act Adeipho Mesothelioma.

“This tall, white, ghostly figure ambled onstage and at first I just thought, “Oh no, another novelty act”. But then he started to stand quite still, and an awesome hush descended over the audience. I haven’t experienced such a captivating moment since the time Sinitta and I caught Louis Walsh masturbating over a crudely drawn pencil sketch of Jedward as conjoined twins. This guy was… incredible. Sure, he wobbled a little bit, but it’s really hard to stand completely still.”

“I was captivated already.” Cowell continued. “But then. Then. He offered the panel a lollipop. It. Was. Fan. Tastic. I haven’t seen anything like it since Ray Quinn changed sex during Series 3 of the X-Factor. We knew at this point we had our winner and there was simply no point in continuing the competition.”

Walliams, star of the BBC abomination ‘Come Fly With Me’, which was recently voted the third worst human atrocity in history after the Black Death and Coldplay’s single ‘Fix You’, also found himself amazed by the act. We didn’t bother getting a quote from him though, he’s a cunt.

Mesothelioma, 43, is a constant fixture on Manchester’s Market Street and can regularly be seen doing lots of stuff not normally done by mimes, such as moving about quite a lot, sitting down, smoking a cigarette and talking to other mimes on the same street who also do not display the typical behaviour of mimes. He makes around £1.45 a day.

When asked what the future held for Mesothelioma Cowell said, “We’ll make him sign a contract that not only fucks him financially, it will make his family and anyone associated with him financially destitute. I’ll tour the shit out of him for 3 months and then chop him in to small pieces and feed him to One Direction. I’ll crush him like a fucking child.”

ITV plan to show a new programme called ‘Shit a Brick’ in place of the cancelled Britain’s Got Talent. The live show will see hosts Ant and Dec attempt to defecate against the clock after eating nothing but fibre for the previous four days. The audience will be encouraged to bray and holler along like animals. Michelle McManus has been confirmed as celebrity guest shitter for the first show.

 

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18 Comments on “ENTERTAINMENT | Britain’s Got Talent cancelled after Cowell ‘discovers’ Manchester street mime”

  1. Anonymous Says:

    hahahaha this is the one! 🙂

    Reply

  2. i Says:

    i think this is racist against simon cowell take this back take this back immediatly

    sheena + darren

    Reply

  3. Anonymous Says:

    “Mesothelioma, 43, is a constant fixture on Manchester’s Market Street and can regularly be seen doing lots of stuff not normally done by mimes, such as moving about quite a lot, sitting down, smoking a cigarette and talking to other mimes on the same street who also do not display the typical behaviour of mimes.”

    The magic died for me the day I stood next to him at a urinal in the Arndale.

    Reply

  4. Stacey Berry (@TowerTales) Says:

    Anyone have any contacts for ‘Shit a Brick’? I need a new telly contract. I’d be perfect for this as I’m an assistant producer and do sound and am good at helping contributors go through the motions.

    Reply

  5. Toby Butler Says:

    It seems very short-sighted of ITV to shut down what is effectively an entire business, just because of the discovery of one very talented performer. It warms my heart to think that maybe Simon Cowell did have a genuine passion for talent at heart, rather than his company’s bottom line!

    Reply

  6. Waggers Says:

    I can now take a lovely mental picture of Louis Walsh masturbating through the day with me. Thank you Manc News.
    Seriously though, awesome article.
    ;o)

    Reply

  7. Les Gunn Says:

    Does anyone have a clean sheet – Meso (as he’s known to close friends) says his is a little stained…

    Reply

  8. Bruce P Says:

    The “Shit a brick” program. I talk shit most of the time, do I qualify?

    Reply

  9. Anon Says:

    I’m a builder by trade. Fuck the single bricks, I shit entire walls. Where do I sign up?

    Reply

  10. Jonny W Says:

    I saw this guy sat down eating a sandwich down the side of Primark! To be fair, he was sat quite still and his mouth hardly moved, now that is talent!

    Reply

  11. arthur Says:

    Brilliant article. That mime ‘artist’ never ceases to make me laugh when I see him around. He’s dreadful, but I admire his tenacity

    Reply

  12. Kilroy Says:

    haha this twat annoys the shit out of me…the worst street artist ever!!!

    Reply

  13. Anthony Thorpe Says:

    I love when he offers a lolly to a little kid then snatches it back when the mum wont give 50p, A true talent indeed!

    Reply

  14. Snipe Says:

    OMFG after accidentally seeing the end of the winning shite tonight, which is the spoof?? Please, please tell me this webpage is not a spoof and Britain’s Got Talent is a spoof.

    Reply

  15. Anonymous Says:

    Who wrote this. jeez. wont be back on this site

    Reply

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