SPORT | Redknapp and Rooney set to meet for world chess championship

January 23, 2012

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Chess

Chess: castles and knights and stuff.

Jamie Redknapp and Wayne Rooney have finally agreed on a date and venue to stage their long-awaited world chess championship match in a move that has reminded many of the 1970s grandmaster chess showdown between former anti-Semitic mentalist Bobby Fisher and bumbling Russian communist Boris Spassky. After months of wrangling between promoters Don King and the one who is a parody of Don King in The Simpsons it has been decided that the match will take place at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas.

“I’m emphatically enchanted” said a clearly overjoyed Rooney.

When asked about Fisher’s influence on him Rooney was quoted as saying that “Fischer was a perfectionist; a sympathetic observer of movement whose genius flowed in pyroclastic surges. He pursued the pure form of the game in a fashion reminiscent of Edgar Degas’s examination of the feminine form; the stultifying whimsical betrayal of dishonour and virtue nestled in the claw of man.”

It is thought Rooney first took up the sport of chess during one of the many hours he spent sitting in the waiting rooms of brothels in and around the North West area. He honed his skills during the many nights of poetry readings and chess matches organised by Rio Ferdinand, thought to be the main intellectual and bon viveur at the Salford-based Manchester Debt Restructuring Corporation.

Jamie Redknapp seemed to be taking a more light-hearted approach to the bout. “It should be a laugh to be fair. To be fair I haven’t played much of the game before, but Louise literally had a checkers set when she was younger so we’ll dig that out and give a go, you know? Rooney is a top, top, top chess player to be fair. Literally a top, top player, you know? That Spassky lad didn’t look too bad either from what I’ve seen to be fair. What is he, 34, 35 now? Still a top, top player.”

The Rooney versus Redknapp match is just one of many recent examples of the influence of chess on modern Premier League players. In August 2010 semi-developed Liverpool striker Craig Bellemy revealed to GQ magazine that he often went over the Latvian Gambit in his head to help stave of ejaculation during orgies with Babestation presenters. And after scoring his 200th goal for Arsenal legendary Gillette employee Thierry Henry  revealed a t-shirt with the message ‘4 U Vester’ in tribute to former Bulgarian grandmaster Veselin Topalov who was tutoring Henry at the time.

 

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4 Comments on “SPORT | Redknapp and Rooney set to meet for world chess championship”

  1. Toby Butler Says:

    WHAT IS THE DATE OF THE MATCH YOU DIDN’T EVEN INCLUDE IT IN THIS ARTICLE!!!!

    Reply

  2. Miguel Guarachero Says:

    hahahahahaha roon!!!

    who he that care about chess anyway is just squares!!!

    -miguel

    Reply

  3. i Says:

    rooney isnt enchanted he dont even do witchcraft this site shoud be taken down by the orthorites

    Reply

  4. i Says:

    that was from sheena + darren by the way get us on xfactor forums name i<31d4eva

    Reply

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