NEWS | Northern Quarter chosen as host for 2014 Hipster Olympics

January 23, 2012



Chances are that you bought a coffee from one of these men today.

The Northern Quarter, regarded as Manchester’s premier wanker-saturated area, has been chosen as the host for the 2014 Hipster Olympics. It is only the second time the competition has been held in Britain after previously being taking place in a prick infested warehouse in Shoreditch in 1998.

Events at the prestigious games include who can tattoo the quirkiest small moustache on their index finger, owl-knitting, most colourful handlebar ribbons on a bike, high-dive beard toss, 100 metre irony and Noah and the Whale hunting.

Manchester City Councillor Edmund Kevorkian is pleased that the insufferably trendy area has been chosen to host the games. “The event will bring tourism and economic prosperity to the region, so naturally I’m delighted. I obviously don’t frequent the area myself as it’s full of insufferable cunts and I don’t want to spend my time drinking Tizer out of a teapot whilst having a Russian film projected over my face. But many of these kids seem to love that type of complete twattery, so fair enough.”

However, many local residents do not share the same positivity as Councillor Kevorkian. Local resident Gilroy Barista lives just behind one of the Northern Quarter’s hundreds of cupcake shops and is the bassoonist and part-time 8-bit keyboardist in Marcel and the Otters, a ‘performance collective’ who play theme tunes from 90s Nintendo video games in a Hungarian-folk style in round rooms. “It could completely ruin the area” he said whilst blowing bubbles out of his stupid bubble blowing child’s pipe. “At the moment we’re free to race our penny farthings and take photographs with old Polaroid cameras in peace. I’m worried that an event of this size could bring things like Ed Sheeran to the region.”

Northern Quarter venue Common is putting on a celebration event on Tuesday 7th February 2012 to celebrate the region getting the games. The evening will include the showing of a 1968 Lithuanian film through a kaleidoscope and chess played with pygmy marmosets instead of pieces. Tickets can be obtained by ringing the venue and requesting them in Juaneno, an extinct Uto-Aztecan language last used by Native Indians in 1934 but is still used in certain branches of Urban Outfitters.

Lord Sebastian Coe KBE said “What in fuck’s name are you talking about?”



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135 Comments on “NEWS | Northern Quarter chosen as host for 2014 Hipster Olympics”

  1. Anonymous Says:

    yeah, fuck the northern quarter. better off in the printworks, they´ve got a wetherspoons and a faux mexican restaurant…


    • Anonymous Says:

      Think you’ll find the faux mexican restaurant is now a harvester, much more highbrow.


      • Anonymous Says:

        there’s a chiquitos… old orleans unfortunately is now a harvester. what about all the drunken slappers on a saturday hen night with giant blow up cocks? where will they go???

  2. Anonymous Says:

    I hope there’ll be juggling with live hand grenades


  3. waynes ear's Says:

    hopefully someone will walk in with an uzi and a semtex t-shirt



  4. Hellwyck Says:

    I fucking hate people who think they’re something they’re not.
    Think of the “Danke Shons” from that advert… Pretentious wankers


  5. Anonymous Says:



  6. P Says:

    So true.. but at the same time.. did someone really just suggest that printworks was better? I’d rather deal with hipsters than chav’s anyday!


  7. ICDJ Says:

    ICDJ Will be playing @ The next NQ St party. No beards allowed


  8. Will Says:

    those four in the picture are the sunday morning staff at trof aren’t they?


  9. Martin Says:

    NQ was originally a cheap place to get away from fashion. Now it’s full of fashion, and everything costs like it’s Deansgate or Spinningfields. Hipsters sell-out others to fund their copied fun. Much more interesting places round town – don’t just choose between NQ and Printworks (or Spinningfields, God forbid) and you may encounter something from outside the mainstream. We’re out there, cause we had to move from the NQ after They wanted to cash in on the ideas of others..


  10. Anonymous Says:

    Yeah Hellwyck, heaven forbid anyone should be anything other than a generic div wearing Superdry.


  11. Alex's dad Says:

    For god’s sake stop posting anonymous comments!
    Put your name to them. Cunts.


  12. Anonymous Says:

    Who gives a shit – if you don’t like somewhere – just don’t go there..


  13. Toby Butler Says:

    If this is happening, why can’t I find any mention of this event anywhere else online? Come on, newsmanc, at least check your sources – you’ve obviously been the victim of a spoof here.


  14. Pablo Says:

    one thing worse than pretentious people, and that’s people standing outside bitching about pretentious people


  15. Anonymous Says:

    Bitter much?


  16. kidfos Says:

    Its true, I’m an insufferable cunt. Though the film is a Anglo-Bulgarian collaboration about filicide and shan’t be screened onto anyones face. ( Interesting idea though. …)

    I heard Portland have accused Manchester of bribing officials with sea-shell art.


  17. Marion Trapham Says:

    jus antoher case of the manchester litterati feeding one hand to pay the other. the blog reader maffia of manchester are so self regarding no wonder the northern quater is covered in wanker saterate. oh sorry no its the n4 now isn’t. were all reduced to letters and numbers in this modern peter savil branded manchster age. i heart manchester ? you would’t say i liver manchester or i pancreus manchester would you. i large intestine manchester. NONE OF THIS MAKE ANY SENSE. why cant we connect any more i miss relatoinships. and we all go along like before (“b4”)i hope all the hipster olimpians fall on their faces and get face aids. marion


    • Anonymous Says:

      Agreed, you certainly would not say ‘i pancreus manchester’ because you’d look like a twat spelling it incorrectly.


      • Vince Says:

        I love you anonymous

      • Marion Trapham Says:

        no your wrong. my mam had her pancreus out or her bladder or something and they had wall charts and stuff like on the walls in the hostipal and we now the spellings reall ywell after that so whos the twat now. doctor raaj persoud would’t get it wrong. its the libberals that get it wrong every time in there ivory tower. anyway i was only tryin to be clever, START MAKING SENSE MANCHESTER

      • Anonymous Says:

        Are your spelling and grammar mistakes, in your reply, for ironic purposes or are you just stupid?

  18. clay Says:

    So what. i quite like the northern quarter when the mood take. i not quite an hippster in fact youd probley call me a scally yeh like the ones you see in printworks. this and that dose a nice three and rice. the shops there are quite aproachable when you need locations for filming which i often do. And the twats your describing in your artical are quite prepared to let you get on with your own bussiness like having a quiet drink or bite to eat. definition of twat or prick some one who pokes fun at people who dont conform to there idea of normal. Whos the twat now


    • Will Says:

      You, you illiterate moron!


    • Michael Bentine Says:

      He’s right though. Hipsters generally leave you alone.


      • Anonymous Says:

        Unless you happen to be wearing a pair of shit glasses (in an ironic way), then they’re all over you like…..>enter your own humourous simile <

        I have no opinion on hipsters, scallys, tubthumpers, boogle-snatches, woggle-stomps or whatever else there is. You're all just cattle and shall be treated as such. That goes for me too. Pricks. The lot of us.

  19. Michael Bentine Says:

    Frankly, I’m fine with whatever silly stuff people want to wear or listen to, as long as they don’t get all snobbish and look down on me for wearing jeans and a t-shirt and having a few Coldplay songs on my iPod. Manchester hipsters are pretty mild compared with those in other parts of Britain, and hipsters are a fairly harmless bunch anyway.

    Also, at what point did ‘hipsters’ stop looking like Mighty Boosh cast members/martians/early-90s bike messengers and start looking like lumberjacks? Dressing like a lumberjack isn’t particularly out-there. My dad’s been doing it for years.


    • Cady Says:

      Perfectly put.


    • Juan Pablo Says:

      That’s the weird fact, why would british hipsters copy portland hipsters. American music is killing the british ear, while americans keep stealing from british music.


    • Conan Says:

      Hipsters love Dad fashion, particularly eighties Dad fashion….Give it a few months and my early nineties wardrobe will fetch me hundreds on ebay.


  20. Anonymous Says:

    This is the funniest thing i have read in a long time. I love the Northern Quarter and have gone out round there for years. But I have to say, the staff in Common are just plain rude, they think because they have a beanie hat on in doors they are “quirky”, well they are not! the place is rapidly goign down hill………


  21. Angus Says:

    I once entered a ‘most colourful handlebar ribbons on a bike’ competition. I got to the final against some hipsterette who had genetically modified her ribbons with jellyfish flourescent DNA. She had the best colouring by far, however, the Hipster judges rulled she had put way too much effort in and as such was disqualified by the rules of hipsterism, section 1.2 about ‘not caring’. I won!


  22. Holden Caulfield Says:

    This article is stupid. Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.

    You all need to stop hating on people. You all sound jealous.

    I’m sick of being attacked and called a hipster.

    Sure, I cycle to NQ every day on my fixie bike to go to work at magma, I wear my jeans rolled up no matter what the weather is and I mostly sport ironic band t-shirts and have a fucking rad mustache, but does this really make me anything other than a young man? And if not, then I;m sorry but everyone is a hipster!




  23. m**G Says:

    mmmm i used to love it down there….and ever since it gained the monika NQ… has conformed to all the othe consumer area’s of town absolute gash!….and id say those 4 look like they have just fallen out of topman,,,,

    it was never the same after Dry changed hands and sumhow ended up with fruitmachines encorped into the ben k work…..

    what is there now…..worth its salt…?… on the wall ….the castle ……and cord…..oh I…..and not much else!

    all men can grow beards…….TIMBERRRRRR!!!!!!!!!


  24. Matt Bury Says:

    There’s fuck all ‘northern’ about the Northern Quarter, it’s become far too pretentious, twee and obsessed with throw-back wank. It’s a shame because it used to be alright, now it’s just a magnetic that attacks pricks… Maybe it is actually one big fucking giant magnet, the ‘north’ polarity attracts southern pricks? Could be that neon becon causing this shit, emitting an electro magnetic field that pulls in cunts like a spiders web?!


  25. Anonymous Says:

    So are we seriously suggesting the NQ was a better place before the hipsters moved in??? Fair enough, many of them are fairly shallow tools but lets put things in perspective.


    • Jason Says:

      True. Anybody remember Tibb St 10 years ago? You daren’t venture down it outside of daylight hours, and even then you were lucky if you didn’t catch chlamydia or a knife in the ribs.


      • Helen Says:

        Yep that’s the Tib street I remember from being a kid – I’m not even sure I’m happy it’s changed 😦

  26. Anonymous Says:

    “At the moment we’re free to race our penny farthings and take photographs with old Polaroid cameras in peace. I’m worried that an event of this size could bring things like Ed Sheeran to the region.” can’t get over this.


  27. Jesus_Christ_Monster_Cock Says:

    I propose everyone just stops saying ‘Northern Quarter’, I think it was Tom Bloxham of Urban Splash that came up with it in some Council meeting. Seriously it sounds ridiculous, it used to be called Smithfield, what was wrong with that? If everyone stops saying it, I think it will go away and everything will be ok.


  28. Anonymous Says:

    The thing that really annoys me about NQ is that every cunt there takes pride in being ‘indie’ and all dress in the same fucking way, preaching the same fucking shit about animal rights and vegetarianism. Slightly contradictory to the term ‘indie’ isnt it? Just by conforming to the stereotype of indie, your contradicting the main pretense of the fashion statement itself you bunch of cunts. Not to mention Afflecks, i think its safe to say id rather castrate myself with a soup-ladel and a meat tenderiser used in conjunction than step foot inside that establishment again, last time i went in i heard a small girl with white facepaint and jet black hair making claims that her life is a dark abyss.


  29. Dangalff Says:

    I was the winner of the last hipster awards…you’ve propably never heard of it.



    I find this article highly amusing…but some of the ‘debate’ that follows is just exhausting. At the end of the day IT IS JUST AN AREA OF TOWN WITH SHOPS, CAFES AND BOOZE. Lets take it for what it is eh?!


  31. Anonymous Says:

    FFS. Please leave my city. All of you.


  32. Scott Mills Says:

    Some people take offence, some people comment trying to be literally clever, some people are knowitalls. However what we should be praising here is the authors genious writing. So funny, and well put together.


  33. Dexuality Valentino Says:

    Jesus! Yeah I’ve met these types before, that pseudo cool, meta boloxed love me I’m I’m tender down to my wool knit y fronts, Jesus If I had a shotgun I’d be taking part in the fey stool pigeon shooting section of the games without doubt. They really get under my fuc. . Oh shit thats me left centre. Bolox.

    Goodbye, Yes a vegetarian herbal ox blood tea please thanks

    Dexuality Valentino


  34. Anonymous Says:

    i used to work in the northern quarter in what I consider to be the best bar there, everyone was always pleasant (apart from the odd dodgy chav that had got lost on their way to the station or the printworks) and things always ran smoothly. if someone wants to be trendy or a chav or generic allsaints/superdry guy then that’s up to them isn’t it. i still love to go back there when i’m home and to Anonymous ranting about Afflecks, its always been a goth/emo/raver haven so what did you expect? love manchester. brad


  35. Bradley Fryers (@BradFryers) Says:

    i used to work in the northern quarter in what I consider to be the best bar there, everyone was always pleasant (apart from the odd dodgy chav that had got lost on their way to the station or the printworks) and things always ran smoothly. if someone wants to be trendy or a chav or generic allsaints/superdry guy then that’s up to them isn’t it. i still love to go back there when i’m home and to Anonymous ranting about Afflecks, its always been a goth/emo/raver haven so what did you expect? love manchester. brad


  36. Ric Says:

    ‘Smithfields’? Don’t talk shit mate. There was f’ all there for so long it had no name.
    The city reminds me of a theme park when ever I go back now. Whether it was a bigger shit hole when all the mills where derelict or now I couldn’t tell you. In the end live your own life and don’t give a shit what anyone thinks of you … even if you don’t have enough self respect or creativity to live an original one.


    • m**G Says:

      nothing there……besides Smithfield Fish Market…..thats not the carft centre….and the other smithfeild market off swan street…..

      So yep ….it was known as Smithfield…..even my Mam still calls it that


  37. Anonymous Says:

    None of this is even remotely funny, insightful, or useful. The piece isn’t well written, and the responses nothing more than drivel. Grow up.


  38. Anonymous Says:

    wank on a stick bitch!


  39. Cy Humphreys Says:

    So there’s still corruption in the IHOC I see.. Every one knows that it was mean’t to go to Chorlton.


  40. Anonymous Says:

    haters gonna hate… find it funny how people are labelled ‘cunts’ for dressing a certain way, or a ‘generic div’ for wearing superdry…… shallow much?


  41. Sean Says:

    Well I’ve read all your remarks and given them just pause, and my thrupenny bit’s worth is thus, Northern Quarter is all right if a little overpriced and too cool for school at times. These “hipsters of which you speak appear to be unable to afford razors due to the high cost of “sustainable” living. It is however a remarkable regeneration of a total shithole area largely by independent retailers and business people with fuck all help from any fucker apart from joe public who said ta rah to deansgate locks and hello to the former red light district. Good on you all I say well done natives an imports a like. Don’t put others down as there’s already enough negative shit that really matters and if you feel so strongly form a para-military organisation and get armed then get even.


  42. Anonymous Says:

    Manchester is generally full of of pricks wherever you go.


  43. Manchester hater Says:

    All the Northern Quarter “hipsters” are tossers! end of.

    Bearded Chorlton plaid shirt wearing has-beens!


  44. Conan Says:

    I think this sums it up perfectly. It may be London-centric, but it’s so good and relevant i’ve posted it twice:


  45. Martin Daubney Says:

    Genuinely brilliant read, good work!


  46. Dan McD Says:

    When did it become a hipster trait to have a beard and dress like a lumberjack? This is just me being too lazy to shave or buy clothes that are anything more than practical and comfortable.

    Although saying that, I am a cunt.


  47. Sir Compton Dando Says:

    Northern Quarter, hip? Do me a favour, when was the last time you saw Peter the Hook or Mr Bez in it? The Mpeople have never even done a concert in it either!


  48. Jesus Says:

    I have to agree with Conan. There is definately an excess of by-passing where irony is concerned. Bless.


  49. Halldor Ragnarsson Says:

    Why do you all seem to have something against chavs, and hipsters whatever they are, im sure theyre all nice guys.


    • Anonymous Says:

      Mmm perhaps but I like the thread and having just relocated to manchester from shoreditch I find myself at home and comfortable with hipster bashing.


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