ENTERTAINMENT | Ex-Corrie actress employed by CERN

January 22, 2012


Helen Flanagan

Insert your own large hardon collider joke here.

Former Coronotion Street actress Helen Flanagan has accepted a 12-month contract to work at infamous particle-bothers CERN. It is believed she will join the team working with the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) to search for the origins of mass, the evidence of extra dimensions and what happened to So Solid Crew.

Acting class-dodging Flanagan, 21, shot to fame playing sexy soap-siren Rosie Webster but quit the show in December 2011 after sensationally revealing that she had secretly completed a Physics PhD which looked at the effects of extreme heat on the operational efficiency of superconducting quadruple electromagnets. Most people had assumed that all of her free time was spent waiting in a cat-like position ready to pounce on footballers and members of JLS in and around the Deansgate Locks area of Manchester but it seems that Flanagan, whose rib-bumbers appear continuously in magazines such as Maxim and FHM, has had other things on her mind.

Professor Brian van der Fokker, Director of Whacking Really Small Shit Together at CERN, is looking forward to Flanagan becoming part of the team . “We’re delighted to welcome her to the project” said the Professor, with the glazed look of a man who had recently been spending too much time spreading mayo on a knuckle sandwich.

“Admittedly we offered her the role on the basis of her photo alone, but we couldn’t believe our luck when we found out she also had a PhD in Physics. Her first task will be a preliminary analysis of the effects of proton–antiproton collisions on quark-gluon plasma. If she messes this up we’ll get her a pair of sexy specs and stick her on reception. Either way it’s all gravy.”

Flanagan was unavailable to comment, but it’s believed that the recent opening of a Nandos in Geneva, location of CERN’s headquarters, was a strong factor in her decision to move. Flanagan is part of the Nandology cult that only eats in the chicken-based shittery.

It is unknown what effect this will all have on the relationship between Flanagan and her footballer-boyfriend Scott Sinclair. Sinclair, 22, currently plays for Premier League outfit Swansea City and has been dating the large-chesticled Flanagan since October 2009. Their relationship started in a somewhat rocky fashion after Flanagan revealed in February 2010 that Sinclair was under the impression he’d been dating Martine McCutcheon for the first few weeks.

Flanagan and Sinclair previously made the headlines in February 2011 when they decided to start conducting their entire relationship exclusively via the mediums of Twitter and Blackberry Messenger.

By law all news articles relating to CERN must mention Brian Cox. So, Brian Cox.



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12 Comments on “ENTERTAINMENT | Ex-Corrie actress employed by CERN”

  1. Toby Butler Says:

    Isn’t the real story here that she got the job on the basis of her photograph alone? I can’t believe it. Also, the way that Professor Van Der Fokker says that they will put her on reception is pretty hard to swallow. If it were funny, I’d almost feel like this was a piece of satire. What is our country coming to?


  2. Bruce P Says:

    “Director of Whacking Really Small Shit Together ”


    How times have changed Nowadays its Dr Brian Cox in the old days it would have been Heintz Wolf! I wonder if the “Coxster” can do a dodgy German accent?


  3. Anonymous Says:

    Sounds like a hoax.
    a) Acting in a soap is hard work, you can’t do a PhD on the side.
    b) 21 is to young for a pretty girl to have a PhD in physics.
    c) The title of her PhD thesis sounds like bs.
    d) There is no record of a Professor Brian van der Fokker in the CERN HR database.
    e) I don’t think there’s a Nandos in Geneva.
    f) The LHC doesn’t study the collision of protons and anti-protons.


  4. tellis Says:

    @comments one and three: have another look at the banner of this website, then here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parody


  5. That went right over my head Says:

    @tellis Genius


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